Stop Asking Kids What They Want to Be

Question the Familiar Icebreaker

What do we lose when we praise a preschooler for declaring, "I'll be an engineer" before kindergarten? During a New Year video call, my mom beamed while repeating that a cousin's son had already chosen that path. I caught myself wincing because the kid was simply echoing an adult script.

Children who learn that the "right" answer is a shiny job title also learn that admiration depends on performing adulthood early. The moment we applaud the label, we reward performance over curiosity. We can keep their imagination open by changing the question.

Titles Hide the Real Job

Anyone who writes software knows the work includes 2 a.m. on-call alerts, stubborn bugs that make you want to punch the monitor, and last-minute feature requests that ignore reality. No four-year-old is signing up for sleepless nights, endless patching, and constant resurveys of new tools. They like the idea of gadgets, not the backlog that comes with them.

When a child roots identity in a title, the first layoff or project failure can feel like a personal collapse. We saw that during the recent waves of tech layoffs, when professionals publicly reminded each other that we are more than our badge. Tying self-worth to a role makes the next reorg feel like an existential threat.

Adam Grant’s Better Question

Psychologist Adam Grant points out that asking "What do you want to be?" assumes we each have one perfect calling. That myth makes kids feel broken the moment reality deviates from the childhood script. It also ignores the many other roles we will hold: friend, parent, neighbor, volunteer.

Grant suggests flipping the conversation to "What kind of person do you want to become?" or "What problems fascinate you?" Those prompts ground identity in values and curiosity, not in a single occupation. They leave room for growth when interests or circumstances change.

Explore Traits Before Titles

Invite kids to name qualities they admire: kindness, courage, patience, humor. Two sentences in, they have already built a richer self-portrait than any job label could offer. Once traits lead, the eventual career becomes a way to express character rather than to prove worth.

Follow by asking about the work they wish existed. A child who wants to help stray animals might become a veterinarian, a shelter coordinator, or a designer of better tracking tools. The throughline is compassion, not the role's prestige.

Focus on Problems Worth Solving

The world kids will inherit includes jobs we cannot yet describe. Thirty years ago, almost no one dreamt of being a machine learning engineer fighting climate change. Today, companies like Saildrone send autonomous vessels across the ocean, training vision models to dodge icebergs while gathering data for climate scientists.

If a child starts with "I want to slow global warming," they naturally explore science, policy, design, and technology as tools. Each experiment teaches transferable skills instead of locking them into one path. By chasing the problem, they keep discovering new routes to the same mission.

Keep Conversations Open

Family gatherings can swap in questions such as "What made you proud this week?" or "What problem did you solve today?" The answers reveal how kids already contribute, however small the arena. That lens feels more like a collaboration than an interrogation.

Gentle follow-ups such as "Who benefited because you did that?" or "What would you try next time?" teach them to reflect on impact. Over time they see identity as something they build, not a title they inherit. That mindset keeps ambition flexible and resilient.

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